By Dianne Anderson

Some familiar old-school intergenerational parenting hacks: Do as I say, not as I do. Children should be seen and not heard. Want to cry, I’ll give you something to cry for. I brought you into this world and I’ll take you out.

But that approach just doesn’t seem to be working for this generation – if it ever did.

If the real goal is to get kids to act right, Dr. Laura Kamptner said parents can try their hand at a better way with their free upcoming parenting classes.

On September 9 through November 18, classes will meet on Tuesdays from 5:30 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. They are hosted by CSUSB Institute for Child Development and Family Relations at the SBCUSD Paxam Welcome Center, located at 746 North E St.

She said studies show the real challenge is that most adults know very little about what really works for, not against, parenting or their kids.

Usually, parents learn to parent the way they were parented, or they get false information and advice from social media. Another big area these days is hyper-stress over cost of living, the bills, the rent.

Then, that stress trickles down to the little people, and she is concerned with how it hijacks the parent brain.

“Stress in general is through the roof, and the stress level for parents is through the roof. We talk about that in our parenting class and help parents be aware of how their stress affects their behavior, treatment of their child, and clouds their judgment,” said Kamptner, professor emerita of child development, and director of The Parenting Center at CSUSB Institute of Child Development & Family Relations.

Most parents are also not aware that their child’s personality is basically shaped by the first three years of life. As toddlers, their fast-forming brains and neural connections mean that core traits of their personalities are being developed before they can say their alphabet. Those connections show up later in life, from incarceration to school dropouts to teen pregnancies.

“Children are children. All children’s brains develop the same. There’s this belief that if you administer physical punishment, they will be better behaved. That’s not true at all,” she said.

Through her program, parents gain more confidence in dealing with their children as they start to notice their child’s emotions and behavioral cues, and they learn to turn it around for good.

She said that children need the adults in their life to be tuned into them, even if the parent is going through stress at the time.

“[If] they’re aware of their behavior, they talk it through with kids. When parents displace anger and frustration onto the kid, that is where the damage is done.”

Hard punishment was popular in the old days, but research shows that while children may act better with the sting of the switch out of fear, it’s only for a short time. Growing up with positive mental health is more effective than beatings, which leaves scars more than skin deep.

Getting healthy control of the kids also means putting away technology and screen time, both for parents and the kids. When parents learn to respond to their children, they behave better.

The program is funded through SBCUSD, secured by the late Dr. Albert Karnig, president of CSU San Bernardino, before he passed away. Recently, she said they are starting a new contract with San Bernardino County Schools at three sites, Rialto, Crestline, and Morongo, for parenting classes through a First 5 grant.

Classes include free child care, a parenting manual, a children’s book to take home each week, and a light meal. Graduates receive a certificate of completion. In the past, she came out of pocket to buy bus passes if needed, and she is exploring other options to help parents with transportation.

For parents, she always recommends one book that hits home. Research by child advocate Dr. Stacey Patton, author of “That Mean Old Yesterday: A Memoir.” Patton, who has a Ph.D. in African American history from Rutgers University, focuses on the intersections of race, childhood, and parenting.

“She’s incredible. She weaves her own personal history growing up as a foster child and being beaten. Her mission in life is to educate the African American community to stop spanking,” she said.

In the first years of life, a child’s brain grows by leaps and bounds, and they either respond to getting good nurturing and caring from parents — or not.

“It affects the neurochemistry of the brain. If children are abused or neglected, the chemistry of the brain affects the developing structures of the brain and how the brain functions,” she said.

In those early years, the brain develops so fast, and the parents she sees seem very interested and surprised to learn that they can get good results without the belt.

“How it relates to a child’s behavior, such as meltdowns in the toddler years, there are so many myths about children and child behavior, and discipline. What we do with our program is all research-based. We give parents accurate information.”

To register and for more information, see KITSprogram.org/sop-classes
Call (909) 347-7313 or email kits@MakingHope.org